Analysis of a Band 5.5 essay, plus a model answer.
Most people doing IELTS have trouble getting above Band 6 in writing, in fact a large percentage of people taking IELTS around the world end up with a Band 5.5 in Writing.
There are a few reasons for this, most notably it is down to poor vocabulary and grammar. However, some students have a good level of English but do not take the time to analyse the question fully and find the issues in the question. Never write too generally about the topic, identify the issues in the task question and base your essay around those. Be very specific and keep referring back to the task question.
Another key skill is paraphrasing, if your vocabulary is weak then paraphrasing may be a challenge so work on this skill. The thesis statement in the introduction is also key, the whole essay expands on your thesis statement and the conclusion paraphrases the thesis statement and your main points.
Let’s take a look at an essay a student recently sent to me.
The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree?
You should prevent health problems and illness from occurring rather than having treatments and taking medicines. Government has to distribute moneys based on this. I can’t agree with this opinion completely because I think that this it has both positive and negative aspects.
First of all, I will discuss an advantage of the opinion. In general, therapy and medicine are more expensive than prevention of diseases. For example, if you get a cold and have a high fever, you have to go to see a doctor and you will pay a lot of money for the diagnosis and medicine. If you would like to keep yourself from getting a cold, you have to just wash your hands and mouth before you enter the house or eat food. Also, its cost is not expensive. So, you don’t have to pay a lot and have to do just easy things for prevention of health problems and illness.
In contrast, I will write about disadvantages. Paying money for preventing health problems means paying money for healthy people. So, you pay money though you are effectively healthy. This expense may not be need. and , some diseases are difficult to prevent, for example, some types of cancer. I consider that treatment and medicine is significant as well as prevention for those illnesses and you also have to use money for the therapy and medicine.
In conclusion, this opinion is double edged sword, so I can’t agree fully. It is important to use money depending on cases. For instance, in case of diseases which are relatively prevented with ease, you should pay for the prevention more.
Click below for my analysis.
Click here to see a Model Answer.
Need help with feedback and corrections? check out the writing correction service below.